I love using humor when I wait tables. It really helps with the tips. I’ve said some crazy things to the right people in the past and they loved it. Here are some of my most used and favorite jokes. Some of them are a bit cheesy but the middle age and older crowd love it.
Whenever I pick plates off the table and people had eaten most or all their food I say, “So this wasn’t very good was it?”
When I pick their plate off the table and they are done but they didn’t finish all their food I’ll say, “That’s so nice of you to save some for me. I’m starving.”
Whenever I pick up empty glasses of wine, beer, or cocktails off the table I say, “Here, let me get rid of all the evidence.”
I tell people the brownie on our dessert menu is richer than I’ll ever be.
Usually when I greet a table I ask them if they’ve been to the restaurant before. If anyone says yes turn to them I say, “So you dragged these guys along this time?” and when they say yes I turn to the new people and say, “And you actually just trusted these guys when they told you to come here?”
Whenever someone orders a drink for someone who’s not at the table and I’m dropping off the drinks I turn to the person they ordered for and say, “I was told to bring you a sweet tea/martini/etc, does he/she know you pretty well?” This works best for old married couples.
Whenever people are having business meetings near the end of the meal I ask them, “Were you guys productive?” It’s funny when people say “Not really.”
Whenever I drop off the credit or debit card I like to call them by their last name when I thank them for coming in. When they have a pretty difficult one and I pronounce it correctly they’ll say, “Wow, nobody gets my last name right that’s pretty good.” And I’ll say, “Yeah I’m pretty cultured.”
One time a larger party ordered an onion ring appetizer and when I put it down in front of this lady I said, “Here, I’ll let you be the ringleader.”
It’s so fun to mess with people, especially if they mess with you back. As much as my future endeavors excite me, I will truly miss waiting tables. I had a lot of fun and made some good friends working at Ted’s Montana Grill.